Parents' Guide to Reporting and Preventing Sexual Assault on Children

We all know it happens. 

Yet when it comes to our own child it’s something we don’t ever want to think about. It’s too horrifying, so we tend to just hope that it will never happen – that it’s something that happens to other kids but not ours. The reality is different though, and for me, I’d rather do all I can to educate myself, my community and family, and to be prepared for when and if it happens. 

Personally, I was sexually assaulted multiple times and raped before I was just 9 years old. I never told anyone. I don’t recall even having the thought of telling another person. And as time went by, those traumas just became a part of my life. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized how devastating and horrible it was, and the extent of how it negatively affected my life.

When I became a mother, I thought I was doing everything in my power to prevent it from happening to my own children. But then, out of the blue – there it was – not just once and not just one child. I was shattered.

The guilt when I found out was paralyzing. I didn’t protect them - I didn’t know it was happening. I didn’t know, or didn’t see any signs until I did – but in retrospect – those signs were all over the place. 

We all know that it can happen in a second, from a person you would never have imagined. Usually the assault is from someone you know. Someone you trust. Someone your child knows and trusts.

We need to accept the fact that this happens ALL the time. And as present as we try to be with our kids, the chances of it happening are high. Accepting this fact is the first step, with the second step doing all we can to support our kids and to educate them and ourselves.

If we were sitting in a live group right now and I asked the people present if they had ever been sexually assaulted in any way as a child to raise their hands, how many of you would? Sadly, I think most of us have. If I were to ask you how many told someone about it at the time – there would most likely be less hands. The point is that as much as sexual assault happens, only 30% actually tell anyone at all even though MOST kids will be sexually assaulted in their life – with the likelihood of multiple assaults.

Why don’t kids tell? 

The child may not understand that what happened to them was abuse and so will never talk about it. They will most likely feel ashamed and guilty – confused and “strange”. They may also be afraid that they will not be believed, or that they and their family will suffer negative ramifications such as alienation or blame from their community. 

And for good reason. 

When a child speaks up – sometimes the parents or other significant adults in the child's life may discredit the incident, blame the child for letting it happen, or even accuse them of making it up.

The effects of abuse coupled with the non belief – or the discrediting of the assault on the child compounds the already serious life-long effects of shame, self worthlessness, and guilt. 

However, if the child is believed and held in a safe space by the family and community, with a plan of healing within a compassionate space, the child has a much greater chance of assimilating the abuse in a healthy way, mitigating some of the long term negative effects.

What to do as a parent?

As soon as possible - now - focus on prevention and educating yourself, your partner and your children.

The definition of abuse, or assault is: any unwanted physical contact to another person. Sexual abuse contains this definition with an addendum that the contact includes any sexual act between an adult and a minor, or between two minors, when one exerts power over the other, forcing, coercing or persuading a child to engage in any type of sexual act. Non-contact acts such as exhibitionism (removal of the victims clothing by the perpetrator, or removal of the perpetrators clothing in front of the victim), exposure to pornography, voyeurism, and communicating in a sexual manner by phone or Internet. Also, it’s important to understand that the legal definition of rape in most parts of the U.S. - is any penetration of the victim with a body part or object.

Educate your children as a way to prevent assault as well as to equip them to report anything that may happen, fostering a strong sense of trust with your child from the beginning of their lives, so they feel safe to tell you anything.

Here are some suggestions for prevention:

1. Educate Your Child About Boundaries and Consent

• Teach children the proper names for their body parts, starting at an early age, so they can clearly communicate if something happens. I did this with my kids, as a “fun” biology activity. The earlier the better, in my opinion - surprisingly - children are much more adept at understanding this than you would think. It also makes the time of giving sex talks as they get older much easier as they have a history of already knowing many things prior to the time that it would be awkward for them. I began when my kids were 3 years old.
• Explain the concept of personal boundaries and that no one, not even family members, has the right to touch them inappropriately.
• Reinforce the idea of consent: teach children to say "no" firmly and that their "no" must be respected. Or you may also consider giving them an “out” like - just running away, or saying that they have to tell their mom (teacher, etc) something right away. Practice this with them.

*A side note here - I often engage in an interesting exercise with women when I’m teaching or giving a talk. I ask how many of them wished they could have said “no” when they needed to. Inevitably, most everyone raises their hand. I then lead an exercise where one by one, I have them say it in the now. As many times as they need to. Most of the time, they begin just simply saying the word, building up until they end up screaming it which then elicits tears and massive releases. We spend a good amount of time on this, ensuring that everyone gets a turn and then we all do it together - a huge, loud resounding “NO”! - very healing.

2. Encourage Open Communication

• Create a safe environment where children feel comfortable discussing sensitive topics without fear of punishment or judgment.
• Reassure them they can come to you with anything, no matter how small or embarrassing it may seem.

3. Be Cautious With Adults Who Spend Time With Your Child

• Monitor the relationships your child has with adults, including relatives, teachers, coaches, and neighbors.
• Watch for red flags, such as adults who insist on being alone with your child, give excessive gifts, or push physical affection despite your child’s discomfort.
• In my opinion, I would NEVER leave my child with anyone I don’t know - even for a few minutes - remembering the time my mother left me in the living room with a visitor when I was 7 years old while she went to the kitchen to make tea. Within those few minutes, I was so violated that as soon as she came back in the room, I ran to the bathroom to vomit.

4. Monitor Online Activity

• This goes without saying - but bears repeating - keep an eye on your child’s internet and social media usage, as predators often use these platforms to groom children.
• Teach your child not to share personal information or engage with strangers online.
• Use parental controls and regularly check apps, games, and social media platforms for safety.

5. Teach Situational Awareness

• Role-play potential scenarios to help your child recognize unsafe situations and practice responses - remembering that most assaults come from someone they will know and trust.
• Encourage them to trust their instincts—if something feels wrong, they should leave and seek help - role play this as well. 

I was so proud of one of my sons, who at just 5 or 6 years old came running downstairs to tell me that one of the visiting boys (a 12 year old) was doing something to one of the other kids. The event was still traumatic, but because he acted quickly, I was able to stop the assault in its tracks. It was still hard to not physically hurt the 12 year old boy - but I held myself back while demanding that the mother take him and leave, and never contact me again. She was my best friend. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since.

6. Conduct Background Checks on Caregivers and Educators

• Research anyone who spends significant time with your child, such as babysitters, tutors, or childcare providers.
• Choose organizations and schools with robust policies on preventing abuse, including mandatory background checks and clear reporting procedures.

7. Set Rules for Sleepovers and Outings

• I know many professionals say to never allow sleepovers for any reason at all - I would suggest researching it and making your decision from there - in the very least, establish clear guidelines for where and with whom your child spends time.
• If sleepovers are allowed, ensure you know the host family well and feel confident about their supervision practices, talking with your child about the visits to see if there are any red flags.

8. Pay Attention to Behavioral Changes

• Watch for sudden mood swings, withdrawal, nightmares, or unusual fears—these can be warning signs of abuse.
• If you notice concerning behavior, gently ask open-ended questions to better understand what’s going on.

9. Trust Your Instincts as a Parent

• If a person or situation makes you feel uneasy, LISTEN to that intuition. Even if there’s no concrete evidence, it’s absolutely okay to prioritize your child’s safety over being polite.

10. Advocate for Community and School Programs

• Support age-appropriate programs that teach children about abuse prevention and consent.
• Encourage schools and organizations to implement policies for staff training, mandatory reporting, and safeguarding practices.

11. Create a Safety Plan

• Help your child identify safe adults they can turn to if they feel unsafe or threatened.
• Teach them how to contact you or another trusted adult in an emergency, and practice what they would do if they felt unsafe.

12. Foster Strong Relationships and Supervision

• Maintain an active presence in your child’s life, particularly during activities where they interact with others (e.g., sports, lessons).
• Be aware of how your child spends their time and who they are with.

13. Advocate for Policy and Legal Protections

• Support legislation and organizations that strengthen protections for children, increase penalties for offenders, and promote education and prevention programs.
• Stay informed about local laws regarding child safety and report gaps in accountability.

14. Empower Your Child With Knowledge and Confidence

• Help your child develop self-esteem and a strong sense of self-worth, as predators often target children who seem vulnerable or unsure of themselves.
• Reinforce that they have the right to feel safe and that no one should ever make them feel uncomfortable or afraid.
• Find books that are age-appropriate for your child that address this subject. There are several to choose from.
• You may tell a story that happened to you, if that is age appropriate for them, fostering a sense of safety for your child to tell you if something happens.

What to do if you discover an abusive incident or relationship?

First - before anything - hold your child in every sense – make sure they know that they are safe with you. 

Make sure they know that they are heard, loved and supported by you. This is the biggest thing we as parents can do. 

BELIEVE them when they tell you! Just this alone is powerful. If your child knows that they can trust you, this can radically affect how the abuse is assimilated throughout their development.

Hold off on reacting to others until you’ve had time to process what has just happened. This would be very difficult - but just know that you can’t go back - once you speak up, traction and momentum will have begun. When you find out, stop. Breathe. Gather yourself and make a plan. It will take alot of self-control but you will most likely be glad you took the time to approach the situation in the best way possible.

As far as reporting to others and authorities, prepare yourself for what may come.

Community support. 

Most assaults occur from someone the child knows. A parent, grandparent or relative, a friend, teacher, coach, etc. When a child does speak up - denial by the perpetrator, minimizing the incident and blaming the victim is very common. Many times the perpetrator takes on the role of the victim, blaming the child, and bringing other family or community members onto “their side” – surprisingly, oftentimes, successfully. Sometimes it’s easier for friends and family members to deny it - easier on their conscience - and allows them to refrain from engaging in any action. So this can be tricky. Be careful of making the incident public right away as it can backfire, those you would have never believed were capable of denial suddenly show that fearful part of them which ends up leaving the victim and their parent ostracized and blamed, and in many cases may split a family or social circle apart. Parents of the child's friends also may not allow the child in their home anymore, for fear that a similar “false” claim will be made on them. 

As a side note…when adults, and/or parents of the child's friends project this fear and blame on a child who has spoken up, a secondary thing happens – the peers of that child see what happens when a kid speaks up and based on the reaction of the family and community members – this will have a huge impact on what they do when and if it happens to them.

Reporting to Authorities.

If the assault is reported to authorities, this alone is not a guarantee that “justice” will be served. It’s not uncommon that reports like this take a long time to be processed through a dysfunctional legal system, leaving the family in a state of ongoing non-resolution, during which the child may be subjected to repeated invasive investigations, examinations and interviews. After which, there may not even be sufficient evidence to pursue anything legally. In this case, the child has now been re-traumatized and parents are left feeling emotionally diminished, helpless and powerless - unsupported and betrayed by a system that they assumed would do better. Even worse if family members have ostracized them. It’s a ridiculously dark place to be in. Horrible in so many ways.

Personally, I have experienced both scenarios, and I can tell you that the emotional fallout has been unimaginable.

For me, the last thing I want to do is allow my child to become a victim of secondary incidents where they are blamed, or suffer some kind of social repercussion. Remember, the peer group holds immense power for a child, and maintaining their standing within their group is essential to their emotional well-being. Ideally, the community should act as a support mechanism and hopefully we will move towards this dynamic with clear community accountability being a part of life but, sadly, I don’t think we’re there yet.

While it’s critical to protect your child and to seek justice, which would ideally also potentially prevent the perpetrator from assaulting others - before taking any steps forward, my suggestion is to have a very clear strategy. Take some time before you decide on, and begin implementing the chosen strategy. Remember, this will be a life-long trauma for your child, and mitigating secondary trauma through reporting it is important. Be as mindful and strategic as you possibly can. 

1. Protect and Prioritize Your Child's Well-being

• Provide Immediate Comfort: Reassure your child that they are safe, loved, and believed. Emphasize that they are not at fault.
• Seek Therapy Quickly: Find a trauma-informed therapist or counselor who specializes in child sexual abuse. Early intervention can help your child process their feelings and begin healing.
• Limit Exposure to Discussions: This can be difficult - but is SO important - be mindful of how much your child is involved in adult conversations about the incident. Shield them from unnecessary stress or shame. They may even retract their story if they feel unsafe after hearing the adults talking about it.

2. Gather Evidence and Details Carefully

• Do Not Interrogate Your Child: Allow them to share what they feel comfortable with, but avoid leading or suggestive questions. This helps preserve the integrity of their account.
• Document What You Know: Write down everything your child has told you and any observations, such as changes in behavior or physical signs, as soon as possible. Include dates, times, and details.
• Preserve Physical Evidence: If relevant, avoid bathing your child, washing clothes, or altering the scene before a medical exam or forensic interview.

3. If you Choose to Report the Incident, do it Thoughtfully

• Contact Authorities: Report the assault to local law enforcement or child protective services (CPS). Be honest and clear, but avoid editorializing or speculating about motives.
• Request a Forensic Interview: If possible, arrange for a forensic interview conducted by a trained professional. This minimizes the number of times your child needs to recount the events. You may have to fight for this - but please do!
• Understand Mandated Reporting: If you inform a teacher, counselor, or other mandated reporter, they may be legally obligated to report the incident to authorities.

4. Prepare for the Investigation

• Cooperate Fully: Be honest, transparent, and cooperative with investigators. Share any evidence or details that could support the case.
• Request Trauma-Informed Handling: Ask law enforcement and CPS to approach the case sensitively, especially during interactions with your child - another thing you may have to fight for - but will be worth it.
• Educate Yourself: Familiarize yourself with how the legal process works to feel more in control. Ask investigators about the next steps, timelines, and what to expect.

5. Manage Potential Emotional Challenges

• Self-Care for You: Seek counseling or a support group for yourself. You’ll need strength and clarity to guide your child through this. As I mentioned before, the stress of this is unimaginable! Do all you can to find support from others who have gone through it already.
• Address Family Dynamics: If the perpetrator is a family member, decide how to communicate with other relatives. Set firm boundaries to protect your child from contact with the accused.
• Be Prepared for Mixed Reactions: People that you thought would be allies, may doubt or dismiss your claims. Be prepared for this and stay focused on your child’s needs and lean on those who do support you.

6. Support Your Child Through the Process

• Validate Their Feelings: Let your child know it’s okay to feel scared, angry, sad, or confused. Validate their emotions without pressuring them to express more than they’re ready for.
• Explain What’s Happening: Use age-appropriate language to explain the steps being taken to keep them safe and pursue justice.
• Be Their Advocate: Speak up for your child’s best interests during interviews, exams, and legal proceedings. Sometimes these people can seem unemotional and detached - and in some cases their actions or demeanor may feel inappropriate. Stop the interview immediately, ask for the people or person to step outside and request a different person. I regret not doing this myself, as I didn’t think I had the option but you do. Your overall priority is your child's wellbeing - you may have to fight for that as well.

7. Build a Strong Support Network

• Engage Trusted Allies: Surround yourself with family and friends who will listen without judgment and provide practical or emotional support.
• Find Resources: Contact local advocacy groups, such as child advocacy centers or sexual assault resource organizations, for guidance and support.
• Consider Legal Counsel: An attorney experienced in sexual abuse cases can help protect your family’s rights and navigate complex legal systems.

8. Focus on Long-Term Healing

• Follow Up on Therapy: Ensure your child receives consistent mental health care, even if they seem to be coping well initially.
• Promote Stability: Maintain a predictable routine and a supportive home environment to help your child regain a sense of normalcy.
• Empower Your Child: Encourage age-appropriate ways for your child to regain control and feel empowered, such as letting them make small decisions about their daily life.

9. Plan for Your Emotional and Practical Needs

• Set Boundaries: If the process begins to feel overwhelming, don’t hesitate to pause and regroup. Delegate tasks or lean on your support network when needed.
• Stay Organized: Keep a folder of all documents, contacts, and communications related to the case for easy reference.
• Prepare for Challenges: Anticipate potential frustrations, such as delays in the investigation or conflicting advice from professionals.

10. If Reporting Feels Overwhelming - Consider Other Strategies

If you're hesitant about immediately reporting the incident, consider:

• Consulting a Therapist: A mental health professional can help you weigh the decision while prioritizing your child’s well-being (keep in mind a therapist is a mandatory reporter).
• Contacting an Advocacy Group: Speak with a sexual assault advocate for advice on navigating the system and understanding your options.
• Filing a Delayed Report: While early reporting is ideal, you may still be able to file a report later if you need time to prepare emotionally or gather more information.
• Hire a Lawyer: This may help mitigate the extent of the personal struggle you and your family will have through the process, by having a professional carry some of the load. Personally, I wish I would have taken this route when we were experiencing it.

We want to hope that a civilized system is in place when it comes to justly dealing with the harmful assault of the most innocent of our society - but that’s simply not the case. 

Reporting and Arrest Rates:

• It is estimated that only 25-30% of sexual assaults are reported to authorities, with child sexual abuse being particularly underreported due to fear, shame, or manipulation by the perpetrator.
• Of reported cases, about 50% lead to an arrest.

Prosecution Rates:

• From arrests, approximately 40-50% of cases are prosecuted. Many cases do not proceed due to insufficient evidence, reluctance of the victim or family to testify, or procedural barriers.

Conviction Rates:

• Roughly 30% of prosecuted cases result in a conviction for a sexual offense. Some cases may result in convictions for lesser offenses, such as assault, due to plea bargaining.

Overall Success:

• For every 1,000 incidents of sexual assault (adults and children), 310 are reported, 50 lead to arrests, and only 25 result in felony convictions.

When compared to other crimes - it’s not uncommon that offenders will be sentenced to only a few years for sexual assault, with the possibility of early release. As was the story with the Brock Turner case when a man convicted of sexually assaulting a 14-year-old girl in California received only 6 months in jail and was released after 3 months for good behavior. Compare this to a woman in Texas who was sentenced to 5 years for the theft of $1500 worth of electronics from Walmart.

I believe that one reason sex offenders are often repeat offenders with little to no repercussions - is that in our current dominant male-driven society, the justice system does not pursue these cases with the severity that they could or should, and when they do, the penalties are minimal. 

Interesting to note here, the case of a Texas father who discovered a man raping his 5 year old daughter behind a barn on his property. He immediately pulled the perpetrator off and proceeded to beat him to death. The father was not arrested or charged with any crime as prosecutors cited the “Stand Your Ground” law. This same law is currently in effect in 38 states.

When we consider the fact that these offences leave life long damage to their victims, I would hope that a truly civilized society (possibly one where women and mothers hold a greater level of authority) would treat this as the serious violent crime that it is. At the time of this writing, a few places such as Louisiana, Madagascar, the Kaduna state in Nigeria, as well as South Korea, The Czech Republic and Pakistan have laws in place that allow for castration of sex offenders of children. As harsh as this seems - maybe it will take this level of severity to turn the tide of what I feel is an epidemic of sexual assault that has gone largely unchecked for far too long.

Yes, horrible things happen in life. This is a reality. The best we can do as parents is, again, first - BELIEVE YOUR CHILD. From there, educate ourselves and our children and then support them in the best way we can by staying connected and to help them process these things when they happen the best we can. With love and trust.

Resources for Support

• RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): Offers a 24/7 hotline and resources for survivors and families. Call 800-656-HOPE or visit www.rainn.org.
• Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: Provides crisis intervention and resources. Call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
• National Children's Alliance (NCA): Connects families with local child advocacy centers for support and forensic interviews. Visit www.nationalchildrensalliance.org.