To The Fathers

2016

This is difficult for me to write. I haven’t had the best experiences with the fathers of my own children, and am currently in a high level painful experience with one of them who has our children against their will and against mine and as a result, I find myself looking sideways at some of the fathers, thinking “can you be trusted…?” I also find myself asking them silently “Do you even know the treasure and power that you hold?”.

I encountered a good friend on the way home yesterday with her baby – obviously very upset. “What happened?” I asked her. “He just went crazy…” she told me and then went on to tell me the horrible story of the violence she and her baby had just been subjected to – all the while I stared at her precious baby who was looking off into the jungle. Innocent. Pure love being. It broke my heart. This young new mother, on “the run” – homeless – with no money – trying to think of what to do next. And I remembered my own experiences that were similar. And others, and others and others. Truly heartbreaking.

Bringing the masculine into the bigger picture of our collective role within the paradigm shift is something I am regularly thinking about - wanting to feel a connection with the guys – but I’m not really clear what that looks like, or how to do that when there are so many women and children that are going through this trauma – which becomes a way of life before long.

However, in my quest to bridge the divide between the sexes, I am committed to continue to do whatever I feel I can do to bring about the much needed harmony between us. That being said, I want to speak specifically to the men right now – to the fathers and the future fathers, of what I see…

I can only speak to my experiences – and share them with you – of what the mothers – and babies need from you as a man and father, from my perspective.

First, you should understand that your child is receiving more imprinting (learning) during pregnancy, than it will throughout most of their life. Even though you haven’t held your baby yet, they are alive and growing and developing at an alarming rate – and how you treat them now will literally stick with them for the rest of their life. 

Most likely the first thing that comes to mind when people think about connecting with their unborn baby, is something along the lines of leaning down to talk to them through their mothers belly - and while that is cool, and they do hear you…there’s more that you are doing RIGHT now that goes much deeper.

Right now – your baby is feeling everything that their mother feels. Every emotion, experience and thought - and the subsequent hormones that are released with them, your baby is experiencing as well. How you treat their mother is how you are treating them – during the most formative developmental time of their life - in fact, you are literally affecting their DNA expression. It’s that important.

Every time you cuddle their mother, speak lovingly to her, give her feelings of safety – your baby is feeling it too, and it’s affecting who they are and will be.

Conversely, every time you raise your voice – your baby, tiny and vulnerable, who is developing important things like their internal organs, and what will be their perception of safety, trust and love – is experiencing your anger and this affects who they are and will be.

Pregnancy is a challenging time. On so many levels. 

We know that more women are beaten or abused during their pregnancy than any other time. In fact, homicide committed by the partner of the mother is the leading cause of death for pregnant women. Finances, life pressures, other siblings, in-laws – the “stress list” goes on and on. These all lead to what can be a difficult time for everyone.

My suggestion is to get this first - that it’s a hard time. Then, connect with each other with a mutual understanding that this time will have its challenges – and then work to develop a plan with each other – holding your growing baby and their development as the primary focus – committing to each other to do whatever it takes to make this time as peaceful, beautiful and loving as possible.

This is the time that the men become true men, in my opinion – finding TRUE STRENGTH – holding back from emotional outbursts of anger or selfishness even when your partner is driving you crazy with what you may perceive as another irrational request, going out of your way and calling on your masculine strength, to truly give her that unconditional love that you would naturally give to your baby. Because that’s exactly what you’re doing.

We need so much from the men in our lives during this time especially. We need to feel loved. We need to feel safe. We need to feel protected. We need to feel supported in every way. We need you to control your harmful emotions. To do whatever it takes to do that. This all applies also to at least the first year after the baby is born, and ideally until the child is 7 (when their neurological development has been mostly completed).

It’s not all selfless action - by stepping into the role of protector and lover – usually you will find an unlimited amount of love returned to you.

This is something I don’t think many men understand. Your partner has SO much to give to you. She will not open to this if she feels that she needs to protect herself. But when you give all the love and protection to her, she will feel safe enough to open fully to you – and with the strong desire to return it to you, many times over. You are also giving an invaluable gift to your child, and to your future generations, by consciously holding this sacred space for your baby to grow in.

This applies whether you are in a committed relationship with your baby’s mother, sharing a home – or not. You may even be in another relationship altogether – but that doesn’t change anything. All of this is still possible either way (I know as I have this experience in my own life now).

By giving your baby and their mother infinite unconditional love, you open that door to also receive it back ten fold. And your baby truly gets the best it can during this important time in life.

It may be the highest calling you have as a man, to offer this.

I hope for a future where all living beings can relax into this living space of safety and comfort. Where the stress that is so common to us all now, is a distant and faint memory of only a few.

I believe this is possible – but we need the men and the fathers to take their role in creating it very seriously and with the utmost resolve.

The new world is waiting for you…