What We Need vs. What We Want

2015

I’ve been given an amazing gift.

I’ve lost many things in my life, including people that I love dearly. I now live a life of feigned normalcy. I move throughout the day as much as I can as if my heart is not broken in a million pieces – that my soul doesn’t constantly cry out for my children that are far away from me.

At the same time, and the reason I say that it’s a gift – is that I see things so differently than I used to. I see things with more depth. I also really want to try to figure things out, more than I did before - and make the best decisions that I can with the time that I have left in life.

Like right now, for instance, I’m on my way to go to the fruit stand down the road and to the store, so I came into my room to sit for a minute, to find the money, to send a message to a friend (and to quickly write this blog post) – and to decide what it is I’m going to buy once I get there. I think about it for a minute when I hear my voice saying – “what do you really want to eat?” – and because I’ve been sick for the past few days, I have barely enough energy for just the one trip – so, I qualify the question with – “be really clear about it”.

It’s the last part – that made me stop and realize that this is exactly what I need to do in my LIFE right now - to be clear about what it is that I want.

I struggle with this concept – because I have worked very hard in life for things in the past, only to lose them – some of them, disastrously. And this has made me afraid and questioning if we should ever try for anything.

I struggle with it because I’ve almost seen more results in my life by not trying at all. There were times that all I had to do was have a thought – and the thing I was thinking about - that I wanted or needed was handed to me, quite graciously - out of the blue.

After personally witnessing this time and again in my own life and in others, I began to think that the way we really get the things we want or need, is by not trying - rather by surrendering to Life, becoming aligned with the “all”, while still being clear about what it is that we want or need.

But then I have moments like right now – where I know with great certainty that the food that I want to eat is not in my kitchen. And I am really hungry. And at the same time, I’ve run out of toilet paper. So, I will need to go for toilet paper as well, so it is definitely on my list, but not sure what the other things should be – and this is the moment…I sit down and DECIDE what it is that I will go for. I’m making a clear decision and making a list.

I’m distracted, being caught in the middle of these two ideas – do we GO FOR the things we want or need – or do we SURRENDER in faith and wait for the things to just come to us?

I don’t know.

But, it seems that the common denominator of both – is first KNOWING what it is that we want and need. And that first requires a decision.

So here goes…I will be buying today: bananas. vinegar. toilet paper. plantain chips. eggs. I pause here because out of wanting to be sure that I know what I want and need….I take inventory of what I have and what I’m missing. I take note of the fact that I will be hungry later on and to keep that into consideration too.

I think about how I’ve been craving bananas and since I’ve been quite sick, my body probably wants and needs at least 4 of them. Based on as thorough an analysis as possible, I make my final list and then I add a hot pepper to it – just because I want one.

I pause and make the comparison to my life situation right now. What is my LIFE LIST?

I love looking at biomimicry. It, to me, is the greatest teacher. I see everyday how life in the jungle adapts to get what it wants and needs. The walking palm tree that literally moves by its roots to get closer to the light. The ants that HAVE to cut the leaves to take back to their nest for their food. I also see that our bodies’ usually crave what we need - especially during pregnancy and postpartum.

I’m always telling women how important it is to listen to their body. So I use the example of the bananas right now. I am craving them so much! And what I’m wondering is, does the body use its “need” for something, manipulating it to be perceived by me as a “want”? Ensuring that I consume it? And I’m wondering, does the line between want and need even really exist?

In the very least, these “desires” most likely originate from the same source.

And if it’s true that my cravings might be my bodies’ way of communicating with me of what I need, could it also be possible that my other “cravings” or desires in life are my souls’ way of communicating with me? 

Maybe what makes us feel happy or “turned on” are guiding factors, or signs – to what our soul ultimately needs. And if we followed them, much like the white rabbit for Alice, we might find true fulfillment and satisfaction in our lives in the same way that we feel almost orgasmic when we begin to eat the thing we were craving so badly, followed by the sweet satisfaction afterwards. 

What if it’s bad for you though? The thing you want?

I think, if you are driven to do that thing or want that thing – then do it. You’ll do it until you don’t want to anymore. And that might be never – but at least you were honest with yourself.

I don’t want to claim that I have all the answers – as there is very little “truth” that I can unequivocally state that I know as truth – but one thing I do know is definitely truth is that we are horribly judgmental of ourselves as women and mothers, constantly barraging ourselves with what we “should” or  “should not” do. 

Very seldom do we take the time to ask ourselves what it is that truly makes us come alive – and because we’ve inherited and adopted this denial of ourselves as “normal” – our happiness and fulfillment in life is definitely affected by it. Sadly.

But what if we were to let go of the judgement – and instead listened to ourselves and our bodies and followed the white rabbit signs – as much as possible?

I believe that there is truth to be found.

But why does it matter?

I know for me, each time I discover truth, I feel deeply happy. I see the beauty in it in the same way that I feel when I stand on top of the cliffs of Punta Uva overlooking the ocean. There’s no denying its natural beauty, its reality, its truth.

Even when one of my best friends was diagnosed with 4th stage cancer last year, it sucked to hear the truth – but at the same time, there was relief and perspective changes. And looking back on it, I’m appreciate knowing the truth when we did as our last months together before his death were precious.

Truth, for me, equals real life – real beauty – and I feel whole when I surround myself by it.

So I’m going out now – and will be getting extra bananas….

*Postscript – In perfect poetic completion of what I’m choosing to define as a little gift from the white rabbit - as I began to get on my bicycle to go to get the things on my list, a dear friend of mine showed up unexpectedly with a bag for me – the contents of which were: one big juicy mango and a big bunch of bananas. I am laughcrying right now at the beauty of this moment. So perfect. So true. In fact, I’m going to eat one right now - I can’t wait because I REALLY wanted a banana (or did I need one?...hm)

There it is…